klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
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My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
oh good, now I can stop drinking
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.