I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I just love that new Pope smell.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.