Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Happy birthday to all the women
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Dolls on drugs
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…