I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot