In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
podcasts
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.