Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Lmbo
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story