Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.