ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.