COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
#StillHurts
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
this is why you should always wash behind your ears