When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Still laughing at this stupid meme