Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
wow he looks just like him
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Huge, if true.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*