Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
One of the best
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
*ernest hemingway voice*
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night