Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
me and my fake scenarios
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.