Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”