I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“TGIM!” – My liver
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?