i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
it’s finally my moment to shine
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.