That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Solving a traffic jam
2023 was just a warmup
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.