Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
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A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution