“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
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Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Happy Thanksgiving
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
How it started How it’s going
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]