Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
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WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.