After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?