A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m having an out of money experience.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx