*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.