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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE