Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.