What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
This is my pinned tweet
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.