Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
*3.5 thank you very much.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
won’t smith
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Rt to bother an English speaker
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.