Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
🤣🤣🤣
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
🖤✌🏽
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I’m having an out of money experience.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want