A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*