you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)