Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”