Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what