I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
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Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
when you are just born a rebel
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Uh oh…
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
This took me a second..
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon