People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
best first i’ve ever seen
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”