“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
God has left this place
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.