[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Goat cheese is for herders.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room