A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*