Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Admin smashed it 😂
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth