when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
You Might Also Like
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f