HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
cat vs inanimate object
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”