The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
what it’s like dating me:
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email