Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Never forget.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.