Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I gave up going to work for lent.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that