If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
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Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor