Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
You Might Also Like
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
What a kind woman! 😂😂
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.