People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
This will never not be funny 😭
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.