Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.