I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible