The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful