Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
What an awful time to have common sense.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school